brand new-pretty desperate for some encouragement -LONG

[ns4200]

i’m sorry if this is the wrong board for this post i didn’t see a better fit. please delete if so.
as a note i am not doing well and do not want to bring others down so please don’t read if possibly too negative.

i’m really struggling to have anything resembling my normal life back, and it feels like most days i’m going through all this for other people. i want so badly to be the person they wanted to see get through this, but i’m not and feel like a colossal burden instead. i rarely leave my house and never ever want to. i know i’m supposed to be grateful but i’m just not and i don’t know how to keep my depression from ruining the few relationships i have left worth keeping.

i was diagnosed with Ulcerative Proctitus a year after getting my Masters, in early 2015. looking back i was probably sick for a while before (blood and heavy gas) but nothing that prepared me for when i was rediagnosed with UC after getting very ill and needing my first round of steroids.

like most, i started frantically doing research and was horrified. biologics terrified me, hell, steroids terrified me, in fall 2016 i gained 35 lbs and was MISERABLE, tired, run down, i almost lost my new job and also my apartment because they were generous to allow me to take days without pay for the 3 weeks i was homebound.

i lived by myself and could barely get by, realizing my relationship of 4 yrs was doomed as his reaction to this was to stay away bc “it’s not fun to be around sick people.”

after that month long illness, by the following spring i was bouncing back, resumed the gym. i still ended up losing the job bc even normal use of accrued sick time generally isn’t acceptable when a new hire takes a month off after working for two, paid or not.

i broke up with the boyfriend and started spreading my wings some. my self esteem came back i lost the weight and felt great.

all this time UC was under control with meds. sure i was uncomfortable sometimes but livable. after a couple of flares i was recommended to try a biologic, which i refused, i didn’t want to feel like a patient, tied to a machine with infusions. plus my thinking was that i would save that and of course any surgeries for waaay down the road, like 20 yrs, when i ran out of other options.

i got myself an art grant, started bartending at a fun nightclub, went to thailand, dyer my hair the way i always wanted to, started a small business, started to get some steam going in my life. met a great guy, who wanted to be with me despite my warnings about my illness, things were looking pretty good.

so good, that i ignored it when the blood came back, minimized how often it was happening, wrote off the cramping... but by the beginning of july, i couldn’t ignore the pain, and my regularly canceling plans due to not being up for it, or bathroom access wasn’t easy wherever i was supposed to go.

at this same time, i got a job of a lifetime. signed on a new beautiful apartment with the new boyfriend, and was just lining it all up. then it struck. I saw my gi doc and got a prednisone script, which i hated, 3 days later i was on the toilet with a trash barrel between my knees, vomiting while having diarrhea, it was very bad. my 11 yr old cat had a seizure 3 weeks before and died in my arms about this time.

i called my gi doc and was told it could take another 3-4 days for the steroids to work. unsatisfied, my boyfriend called back and within an hour, we were on our way to the ER, me crying because i had never been admitted to a hospital before and i was afraid of what would happen if they gave me IV steroids.

i say all this to best frame my headspace when not 4 days later a man i had never met before is standing over me in my hospital bed telling me they’re going to remove my colon and give me an ileostomy, which is reversible possibly.

i refused for another week and a half, insisting they try biologics and refusing the surgery outright. i felt like everyone was pushing me to save my life, but i knew after all was said and done i’d be left to deal with the fall out, and given what they were describing, i knew it would not be good. in the end, my boyfriend and my parents convinced me, and the copious amounts of medications i was on probably influenced that as well, i don’t remember much. on 8/23 they did the procedure and my life has been pretty awful ever since.

The stoma nurse i had in the hospital was terrible. mean, careless, callous, the bootstraps thing may work for some but not me. i’m 42, no kids, there is no reason i MUST do anything, and she did little to help me accept my situation with grace, quite the opposite. a week later still in the hospital unable to cope with the self care and pain, i was by then constantly afraid, my hands shook all the time, i never slept, then my vitals tanked and i was rushed into emergency surgery, the internal sutures had ruptured and i was leaking into my abdominal cavity.

i don’t remember much about this either other than a dr helping me swallow a tube, and me crying hysterically when i was told i needed another surgery.

so much for the laparoscopic marks, i woke up with a 6 inch gash much like a c-section scar and in even more pain. all this time too i was prescribed a low residue diet but the hospital would bring me food i could not or would not eat (eat chemical free organic or at least “real food” not ensure. powdered eggs and instant mashed potatoes), and i was desperatelu asking about tube feeding when someone finally decided to weigh me and i was down to 114 (i’m 5’6) and i could feel my body burning through my fat and muscles just trying to heal, let alone maintain my body weight.

but i also didn’t want to eat bc it always ended in pain and often a mess. i had terrible swelling and gas pain, and was mocked and ridiculed by the stoma nurse for crying when she was causing me terrible pain. i started to panic because i could not care for myself, i couldn’t even look at the stoma site. my mental health declined and i was having a really hard time.

regardless a week later they sent me home on 9/8, a full month had passed. discharge papers are full of lies, the biggest being i was able to care for myself. visiting nurses started coming and my wonderful boyfriend picked up the rest but hardly self sufficient.

i could barely walk due to having no strength, and i was brought home to that nice new apartment i mentioned earlier with all my things having been packed by my boyfriend, i had no bed due to a delay in the furniture being delivered, that went on for a month. sleeping on the couch. i wasn’t supposed to lift anything so all the unpacking and settling took forever and many fights between me and my boyfriend over my anxious need to exert control over my surroundings if nothing else and his allowing this to take a backseat to my immediate care (here huh?).

my skin was never really ok. my first VNA took one look and decided i didn’t need all the skin protecting stuff, so the subsequent bag fail and output mess created a skin irritation that never improved,though she took great care of my long surgical wound: turns out she had never had a new stoma patient before. i continued to have bag fails and skin exposure, and each time the output would get in the wounds...

when the company reassigned to a different nurse who had no stoma experience period and asked, at our initial meeting, what i take for constipation, i knew i needed a new nurse. i did get a new company.

the new company sent me out a real ostomy nurse, who said i might have pyoderma. she changed me to a different product line and almost immediately things started to improve, no more bag fails! i have to set an alarm for every 2.5 hrs at night to avoid problems though. anyway, i got to keep her for about 2 weeks; was on the treadmill, going to work a couple days a week, things were getting better.

then of course she left and i was transferred to someone else. okay though, the new nurse was following the old nurses instructions. i was seen by my gi doc 11/6 when the hospital stoma nurse hijacked my appt and, despite my assertion things were going well, insisted on seeing it herself and ripped my appliance off without adhesive remover.

and everything went to hell again, almost immediately, and a week later i was admitted again to the hospital with both an indeterminate dermatitis and raging infection requiring IV antibiotics. i got out the day before thanksgiving from that one and with what is more and more likely to be pyoderma basically untreated (am waiting for a call from dermatology to schedule) i’m still struggling. the adhesive on the bags is so itchy and uncomfortable, i’m in pain all the time, and bag changes are a daily nightmare (daily bc my wounds have to be flushed and repacked with antibiotic gauze) which leave my boyfriend and i both shaken and upset at how long it takes and how much pain it causes me. i can’t go to work, i can’t look at myself in the mirror, there’s nothing about this situation that is manageable to me. i daily push down the rising panic “i cant do this, i don’t want to do this” which is how i feel about living this way.

everyone keeps telling me this is temporary, it will get better, but when? will it really? no one saying this to me is speaking from personal experience and most of the time i think it gets said to have something to say. some of my friends have pulled away and i don’t even care. i’m an only child and both of my parents are elderly with their own problems, my stress is too much for them.

i’ve tried to get mental health support but there’s a long wait list apparently because at 3 months, i’m still waiting. i teeter from the wisdom of being completely honest with my providers, i’m too well to be hospitalized for psych, not by much, and god knows who would be helping care for the ostomy if that happened so i guess i just wait.

meanwhile, i barely let my boyfriend touch me let alone have intimacy, aside from my pain and discomfort i see nothing but a failed science project when i even try to look at myself, and nothing i can do about it. he tries so hard to show he still thinks i’m beautiful but i don’t and just want to cry remembering what that used to be like. i live in constant fear of how dependent i am and how much of a burden i am.

he always reassures me and cares for me but it’s horrible for us both he has to do these painful things to me, i really just want him to hold my hand but there’s no one else to do it. i miss my body, showering, being able to roll over in my bed, wear dresses and cute clothes, walk around with my head up, that seems like a dream.

people say i’m strong, that i’m inspiring, that i have value in the world, but i think they’re wrong or don’t really know how bad my inner world is. even my pets don’t really need me. the only reason i haven’t given up i can figure out is my boyfriend, because he has never given up on me, how can i?

my next surgery is 1/22. i got a new surgeon at MGH, the best hospital in boston. everyone seems positive about my chances at having a successful reversal. i know i am not helped by my fear and negativity, but i have no one to say this to so it boils over and i lash out in irritation and anxiety and feel worse for it.

if anyone felt this way, it might help me to hear it, i hope i haven’t upset anyone by my telling though.
thanks for listening

[To Dream a Dream]

First, thank you for joining our Board as it is the place to be for new ostomy patients. Hopefully you are feeling strong enough to read through some of our posts that may be pertinent to your specific situation. Having been a long time follower of UOAA, I can assure you that you are not alone. Many of our members have dealt with similar challenges & have prevailed. I've found it a definite plus to find a local support group in your area where you can speak with other people who have experienced the same frustrations that you currently face. Please check out the UOAA support group listings for some contacts.

[BillV]

You are so fortunate to have such a caring boyfriend who is staying by you through such challenging times. I can relate to this personally from the standpoint of being the caregiver for my late wife over a 6 year period. I would never downplay anything she did (like doing things together, being intimate, and expressing her feelings) that showed how much she appreciated that I was with her and really cared. This was beneficial for both of us. Feel positive, the best you can, that things will improve after your upcoming surgery. I strongly concur with the prior post about joining a support group. I joined a grief support group after my late wife died that greatly improved my outlook on life.

[ns4200]

thank you for taking the time, i am blessed to have him, i have a great deal to be thankful for and i do try to remind myself.

i guess i’m holding out hoping for counseling services before i bring myself to a support group. i feel like if i start the flood gates will be more than i can expect strangers to deal with and i never want to be triggering for anyone else.

[BillV]

The nice thing about support groups is that you are with people who have experienced situations similar to what you are going through and can personally relate to the concerns you bring up. Don’t be concerned that what you might say would upset or offend anyone. Perhaps, your boyfriend could come with you to the group. The grief support group I chose had an “open format” in which the group members determined what would be discussed. Personally, I don’t think seeing a counselor first before joining a group is necessary for most people. It is customary that the group moderator is a counselor, therapist, medical professional or has other training.

[ot dave]

ns,

Welcome to the discussion boards. Sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. The above posters are right. There is a wealth of information from members here...and support. While we are all individuals, and what works for one might not work for the other, I can't think of anyone who didn't get something useful from these discussion boards.
A part of ostomy surgery, for everyone, is a period of depression. It's absolutely normal. And, from your post, it definitely sounds like you realize that you are in the middle of it... We have all been in the middle of it at one time or another. Some of us just needed time, some needed meds, some needed counseling, some needed a combination of all 3. Seek out help, there is no shame. I was lucky, just needed some time...and a swift kick in the butt from my wife! That was 9 years ago.
Remember that you have been through major surgery. Healing from something like this is a marathon, not a sprint. Measure progress in longer periods of time, not day to day. Try week to week at first. When you have questions, come and ask. You will likely get tips/suggestions that you will find useful and be able to implement as part of your ostomy routine.
Give yourself a break. You'll get this. Hope that helps.

David

[ns4200]

thank you so much for taking the time. i feel this immense pressure to resume my life again, weather it’s internal or external or both. people alway ask how i am doing but i know what they want to hear, and i hate making people uncomfortable so i usually don’t say anything, but it’s killing me inside and even i’m sick of hearing my own crap, i can only image others are too.
the support group is at the hospital which is in the city. driving is hard for me and the meeting is only an hour so between that and the parking fees, it’s not really feasible on top of all my other appointments. maybe if i get better a bit down the road, i sleep between 10-14 hours a day so that’s not helping im sure.

[Button]

ns2400:
I would enjoyage you to reach deep within yourself and find a way to make it to the local hospital support group - ask for assistance from a friend/family for a ride (they can likely attend the meeting with you). I have a strong sense that even one support group meeting where you are in the unconditional presence of others with an ostomy will give you an impetus forward.

There is something about meeting someone with an ostomy who shares a similar pathway. All of the cornocopia of feelings and emotions that are swirling within you will begin to fall to the wayside.

Stagnation begets more stagnation. You will need to begin to take first steps. Only you can do this for yourself.

Sleeping 10-14 hours a day may be due more to depression and resignation than need for restorative sleep for healing.

Make tentative plans to attend the support group meeting. You can cancel at the last minute if necessary. You need a goal to work towards. Let attending the support group meeting be that goal. It is a goal where, I assure you, the benefits will outweigh the efforts to attend.

I do understand and empathize with your internal state of being.

Long-timers on this board know of my complex and protracted health challenges. I have been on Palliative Care for 2 years (care and comfort for those with serious, life-limiting illness). There is no “getting better” on my horizon. Life is not easy. Each day, I put both feet on the ground and strive to make the best of a less than ideal situation. It takes a touch of tenacity and a sprinkle of realism to adjust and adapt when life takes an unexpected turn.

What we think, our internal dialogue with ourselves, affects our physical body. The mind-body connection is real.

Begin to reclaim your life. Take a walk around the block or visit a park with your boyfriend, listen to the sounds of the birds or the patter of rain drops. Stop by a StarBucks or local cafe. Sit in the coffee shop (even if you do not choose to order a drink) for 30 minutes for the simple socialization and distraction.

You are in need distractions and orientations away from the distress of your own body.

I “get it.” I live in a body that is no longer my friend. I have unending chronic pain and am on 24/7 opiates. My life is very small and simple.

Distraction is key to maintaining my sanity. NetFlix streaming movies are something I gravitate to. I can take my mind to new and distant places in a movie, if only for a little while. Needlepoint is a hobby that I engage in. It keeps my fingers busy even if I cannot walk the miles that I would like to. Treating myself to a pedicure and a manicure is a nice pick-me up. Purchase a new pair of colorful pajamas or fluffy socks.

To wit: Begin to identify hobbies or interests that you can use to find purpose and meaning in your day and redirect thinking and internal dialogue.

Sometimes, life is, well . . . Just hard.

You will make it through this difficult period. To do so, you will need to define and map out small beginning steps that you can undertake - even now, and most especially now.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
(Tao)

Sending you positive karma for a better day and tomorrow,
Karen

[To Dream a Dream]

I agree with these posts & the wealth of info presented adding that depression often accompanies an underlying physical problem (for instance electrolyte imbalance, medication, nutritional deficiencies . . . The list is long.) So please keep in touch with your physicians. Bringing it to their direct attention if necessary. So glad to see the response to your original contact.

[NEskier]

How about an Uber or Lyft to drive you around? Sounds as though you are somewhere in the greater Boston area which might give you lots of drivers.

Otherwise, I have nothing earth shattering to add to all the good advice. Button aka Karen has offered many of us a wealth of information and support over the years (Thank you for that!!). I concur on the likelihood that you are suffering some form of depression, or even a PTSD response. I was lucky to get counseling in the hospital at the end of the month I spent there. I still am grateful the med student I initially tortured stuck with me! (Turned out our first meeting was his first day and he was pretty stressed out too!). I left the hospital with Xanax and gave it to my mother to bring over to my place in little doses. I just was afraid of myself for a while. And gradually I wasn't. I hope you will find a way to the new you! Never be afraid to ask anything here, anything at all! It's a great bunch of kindred spirits!

[Button]

ns4200:
Maybe you need a few ideas for NetFlix streaming movies? Watching NetFlix is a great way for me to interrupt a day that otherwise seems hijacked by low health.

So what am I watching?

“House of Cards.” Season 6 is newly released and available on streaming. It is riveting. Salacious.

“The Black List.” Suspenseful and intense.

“Puzzle.” Lighter fare, easy watching. A woman who is leading a rather ho-hum life finds she has an inate talent for piecing together complex jig saw puzzles, and her world opens up . . .

Movies can be good “medicine.” I use NetFlix streaming to give me a respite from myself and my health.

Know that you are among friends here. People helping people.

This forum was a life-line for me during my initial surgery and recovery. Most of us on this forum participate in order to keep alive the chain of giving. Helping others just as we were helped ourselves.
Karen

[WATERBOY]

oh yea. you brought back a lot of memories for me....I went through the why? How am I supposed to? you have got to be KIDDING?. yup , I was 19 the first time I went through it (got the surgery, bag life forever) right when my life should have been taking off. I felt left behind. ...but I survived, and learned, and found out that my old life was for the most part, going to be a distant dream. I had to learn how to "cope" with an ostomy (I was the only pernson with one in my town at that time). I had to learn how to date all over again (no more wild and free because i was not confident with my "new" body). I had to learn what exercises, sports, vacations I could enjoy (because of this new "thing" that I did not ask for)......but time, alot of frustration and tears, broken hearts from mean girl friends, and laughter from my friends, co-workers, and family have helped me get on my feet (and yup, that is a b!tc#) I will tell you that you are in an ocean. Think of this like being at the beach, near shore but in water almost over your head. when the "wave comes by, your lifted and your feet cannot touch bottom. after it passes, your feet are back on the ground and you feel more secure. The same thing is going to happen with your physical and emotional life. Sometimes your not able to touch anything that is familiar and we ALL get anxiety. Then other times, we feel well grounded and that we are getting a handle on how to deal with this. Your life is changing. It would have changed with out this operation. You just have to realize that you and I are not alone. ALOT of people are going through the same thing....and we all need answers,support, maybe jsut a sholder and and ear. This will get much better. and as for the BF, let that one go If he is not going to be there for you when you need support,....You need a person who will walk with you in your delimma, wait on you when you have needs, and carry you when you are weak. your are loved and supported in this group. keep us in the "loop"

[Diane C]

ns4200,

First, welcome to a place where you can post anything you'd like about your condition. We get it. Many of us have been there. And we're still here. That was a good step.

Second, you have a tough medical situation to deal with. For that, I'm really sorry. You've been through a lot. I sense you are creative, artsy, and MUST be loveable -- you've a guy who's hanging in there with you and you speak of pets. ALL GOOD!

Third, I concur about the support group. I was born with chronic constipation because my anal and puberactalis muscles were dysfunctional. Somehow, I did well in school despite this -- and dated a lot -- though became anorexic at age 15 after going to the hospital where no diagnosis existed. I decided that using Fleet enemas and staying on a liquid diet were my solutions. No, that did not last. My journey has been VERY long. I'm now 67 and debating writing a book or blog if I can figure out how to attract interested readers. My 1st surgery was in 1976 with an egomaniac at Mt. Sinai Hospital in NYC who performed a partial lateral sphincterotomy which helped for several months until the incision healed over, leaving scar tissue that can't relax. I've had biofeedback in 2 cities (one in Canada); botox injections; galvanic stimulation of my anal muscles; a temporary Medtronics sacral implant to try to relax the sphincters; a surgery that was to allow me to irrigate my colon -- backfired (no pun); a colostomy in 2002 -- that helped for a while but led to a hernia and other issues; and on Nov 1, I finally had major surgery to get an ileostomy, remove my entire colon, my rectum and anus.

So, I feel your pain. And the agony of a nasal tube that clears out the stomach after surgery -- wow, uncomfy and the fear involved during placement! And the gas and distention -- that eventually "pass." The pain of healing (my surgery was not done via laparoscopy) and I'm coping with 2 wounds on my abdomen now that 25 staples have been removed, a new ileostomy, and a wound where my rectum was. My best friend right now (aside from the folks on this discussion board and in my ostomy support group -- and swing dancers and those in the theater community)? A fabulous, hot shower where the soap and shampoo bathe and relax my body. (Next up -- a foot soak in magnesium flakes or Epsom salts.Super for relaxation and healing.)

In a way, I was "luckier" than you. I had a colostomy 16 years ago and experience with the world of ostomies and a long time to ponder. Getting used to the ileostomy is not a cinch -- but I'm getting there. People up here have given me great advice -- see the topic "Diane C Rising".

However, nothing beats a good support group. I agree with Karen/Button and others. Make the goal of attending. If you miss one, head for the next one. Meeting people personally is a massive benefit. They teach, you learn, you share, and one day, I bet you even help someone else. (Btw, if possible later in August, there is an annual conferences in Philly but wait and see. I went to a not-so-hot, small support group that did not offer valuable help and got depressed. But then I saw an announcement in the paper about the support group in N. Virginia -- fantastic! My mentor there has had an ileostomy since age 17 due to Crohn's and is one of the most optimistic women you'll ever meet. She also writes our newsletter and I can send you the latest copy. There is also a magazine called Phoenix -- see www.ostomy.org -- and many articles focused on skin issues. Very unfortunate that an ostomy nurse ripped off your appliance; I did that once in a rush when late to work and NEVER again. I can't wear taped faceplates and there are solutions, including products without tape. If your skin is weeping, moist, and excoriated, you might want to wear this EHOB O-ring ostomy system temporarily as it doesn't adhere to the skin although I admit it can be difficult to get used to and I'm not sure how useful it is for ileostomates: https://www.saveritemedical.com/product ... pdEALw_wcB Folks in the support group (and here) can help you with this. Our support group works with a clinic where ostomy and wound nurses work and many give presentations. GET THIS HELP! For your sanity and to be in a community that fully understands, aim for the person-to-person group (although this group is invaluable). Boston is a big city. I went to Wellesley College and the resources there are among the best so take advantage of them, please.

I totally concur with Karen/Button. Even if I drink nothing, Starbucks is very close by and I like the atmosphere. I bring a book. Or my phone. I love chai tea and luxuriate with a very large cup. It gets me out. I may want to take a walk later. Helps with anxiety and depression. Just leaving your home for a while and being in a different atmosphere helps.

I also am into Netflix (thanks for the recommendations, Karen -- am late to streaming but crazy about House of Cards). If I'm up at 3 AM and worried about leakage, there are movies to escape to. Or listen to an online talk by Tara Brach (tarabrach.com) whom I find miraculous as she uses Buddhism and peaceful ways to cope with pain. I am tired after surgery and we both need rest but too much can have lousy consequences on the brain and body.

Try to treat yourself in small ways. I am wishing you the best. If you made it to here, you have persistence. We are rooting for you. Keep posting. You've been through a lot and came through. I sense that you've positive energy in your soul that will enable you to go on with success. Good luck!

Diane C.
1976 Partial Anal Sphincterotomy for Constipation Due to Non-Relaxing Anal Muscles
2000 Malone Appendiceal Colon Enema (MACE) Procedure for Irrigation
2002 Colostomy
NOVEMBER 1, 2018 -- Removal of colon and rectum; ileostomy

[sassie]

ns4200,
I so much feel your pain BUT i promise you it will get better, for a few years i would get sick and go to the ER and be put on meds. and things would get kinda ok for awhile , the meds were strong and total ml of each day was 2000mg. One night i was in such pain Feb 17-2018 that i was taken to the ER and then had a CT scan and was shipped to a major Hospital
and i remember getting there "period"..

2.5 weeks later i came to and i was home, i got out of bed to pee and that is when i saw this THING on my tummy, i started screaming , what is this? how did i get it? whats the date? who's been taking care of this? being told, i responded" How can they do this without my permission" ?

I had "Anesthesia amnesia" and no one was aware of that ,as i still responded as if i'm still myself, the first time that happened was only for a day at a eye doc's and they convinced me i was silly and so i dropped it and really let it go to the point i did not tell anyone in case they all thought i was crazy. My family never knew nor the Doctor ..

At this time i'm happy i didn't know anything after hearing how much was done for 2 days and how i acted before they had a cancer Dr. in to do emergency surgery on a Sunday. it was a 7 hour surgery and now i'm happy i missed it all, the info i'm sure they told me would have been helpful later,lol

I live in a small town and I and no one i knew ever heard of a colostomy and the hospital i went to was over 2 hours from me..and i knew i would not be able to keep calling the surgeons office... I was so DUH, so when hollister support lady called, I thought she was my nurse and that went on over 2 months before i got my poop together and got all this figured out, FROM support forums like this one...that lady was a God send to me and she never let on that she was there to send me samples about there product, she let me call anytime and would call me as well...My Angel Lady


It will get better and it does take time , lots of reading and learning that some are so much worse off then me, that i have come to terms with this and without saying all that happened it seemed like a nightmare for 7 months, then things started falling into place and i was healing outside as well as inside..Plus i came to terms that this was for life , it was not going away..

I told my self to put on my big girl panties and get on with life and slowly i have, i'm off restriction in Feb of 2019 and i'm doing as well as i can and accepting this has made it so much better and also i gave my stoma a name and i feel she has a little personality of her own, i kinda treat her like she is a baby on my tummy that depends on me for care " and she does,lol "
I feel that's when the healing took hold and i can say i'm happy and mean it..

There is life after this and when you come to terms with this "it takes time"You Will Be Okay, God Bless....sassie

[Button]

“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” Bob Marley

People sharing openingly and unflinchingly of their ostomy experience and personal transformation is a remarkable hallmark of this forum. In the sharing comes healing.

I felt as though I was inhabitating an alternate universe during the early months of my ileostomy. I felt removed from others. Adrift and floundering. After emerging from the a protracted ICU stay and imminent threat for survival, I barely recognized myself. I had no idea how to begin . . . To live.

Healing and recovery takes time. Time. And more time.

For me, the emotional recovery of my sense of sense and processing of feelings took longer than the physical recovery of the surgical wounds and collateral complications.

Having a companion pet was an immense comfort to me. I credit my little tea-cup Maltease, Molly, for seeing me through.
ns4200, let your pets bring you comfort and healing. Keep the memory of your beloved cat close to your heart.

Over the years, my ostomy has found its place as a natural part of me. No different than my eyes or nose or hands or feet. I barely give my ostomy notice in the course of a day. It is well behaved (for the most part) and its care is on par with other self-care such as brushing my teeth or manicuring my nails.

ns2400 . . . There is a good quality of life to be had with an ostomy.

It looks as though you will be heading toward a reversal and reconnection of your lower digestive tract, and that your ostomy will be temporary. But know that if plans change and the ostomy is to remain, that life is not at a standstill. There is a good quality of life to be had with an ostomy, happiness and joy, a life of purpose and meaning.
Karen