My stoma’s name is Scarface

[Gooeyduk]

UOAA Friends,

I need some help. My stoma and I seem to be in a love-hate relationship, with hate being the more common description recently. My stoma is named Scarface, owing to the way in which he entered my life a couple of years ago. I have already written about how he came into my life as a three inch long elephant trunk, waving back and fourth as though he wanted a peanut. I took him back to my surgeon and he apparently stuffed him back in his hole and must have used pinking shears to shape the protruding end, hence the name Scarface. It was about 9 months later when I noticed Scarface seemed to be protruding from the top of a growing mound of belly tissue that turned out to be a parastomal hernia. Back to my surgeon, who stuffed Scarface and the mound of belly tissue back in place and reinforced the inside of my belly with skin from a dead pig.

Following that adventure Scarface and I got along for six months or so, but then he started to really give me heartburn. His trick now is to look forward to the day when I change flanges. Before I’ve had anything to eat, I remove the old flange and jump in the shower. This is usually between 10 and 11 in the morning when Scarface should pretty much be empty. He seems to enjoy the warm shower and being scrubbed with gentle soap suds. Then just as I am ready to install the new flange, Scarface launches a great big wad of stuff to contaminate whatever is within reach. Yesterday was flange changing day, but to be sure that Scarface didn’t have any ammunition I didn’t eat anything all day and waited until 5:00 in the evening to do the change. This time I knew that Scarface was out of bullets because the pouch accumulated nothing after about noon. After the shower Nancy brought me my usual Manhattan happy hour cocktail while I was sitting at the counter to install the new flange. Scarface suddenly pulled the trigger and launched a juicy one inch long projectile which landed right in my Manhattan.
.............As you can tell, I need advice...............Gooeyduk

[nickolas]

OMG, way to funny!!! Personally, I don't leave my stoma exposed for too long for the very reasons you just mentioned. I keep my wafer and bag on when I shower and only take it off after I shower to put a new wafer on. And yes, sometimes I have been active, but I am prepared for it. I don't walk away from the sink unless my stoma is covered with something, a wet paper towel if nothing else.

Sorry about your Manhattan,

Nickolas.