Advice on helping relative accept colostomy

[Ostomycaretaker]

Hello,
My father had a colostomy a year ago due to colon cancer. Unfortunately, he is still having a hard time accepting it. He has only tried a few times to change the bag on his own and relies on my mom to do the changes for him. I think that the surgeon who performed the colostomy made it seem like a horrible thing. He was very proud of not doing a colostomy in the first surgery which resulted in my dad's cancer progressing a lot and then needing a colostomy anyway. After all this he still kept saying he would try to not do the colostomy even when we were asking him for the second surgery. In addition, support groups in my country are non-existent and mental health is still taboo so he is having a hard time accepting it. I would appreciate any advice on what to say to him in order to help him accept it.
Thank you

[ot dave]

Hi,
Sorry to hear that your father is struggling to accept his new normal. It is common, and a lot of times expected, that folks who get an ostomy deal with some type of depression. It's likened to losing a limb. Control and "normal" body functioning is now lost or changed significantly. In my experience, I dealt with it just fine while I battled the cancer and went through chemo. But, when I was done with the chemo, I still had the ostomy. My depression was short lived, and actually pretty benign. My wife had what we call in the south as a "come to Jesus" meeting. That's all I needed to break out of the depression. Some folks however need more. Some may need medication, some may simply need time, some may need counseling, some need all or a combination of these. From the description you've given about the surgeon, I would check in with a different doctor to seek some mental health assistance. There's not much you can say to help him accept it, especially since it sounds as though he is still dealing with the "loss".... for me, I had to figure that out on my own. Be supportive, make suggestions, help him find things to do, participate with that will help him realize that a "normal" life is still possible AND available.
After my surgery, my wife assisted me a lot with changing the appliance. It got to the point where I realized that I needed to be able to do this independently. Your mother may have to start having him do small parts of the changing process so that he can build up some success one procedure/part at a time and work to total independence. It's doable, but it may just take some time.
Hope this helps some.

David

[To Dream a Dream]

Dear Caretaker: Thank you for your post & for helping your father through this time of transition. I agree whole-heartedly with Dave (above). Time is a major factor in acceptance. Besides our Discussion Board, are you aware of the valuable information offered thru UOAA's main website. Here is a link: https://www.ostomy.org/news/
Reading some of the first-person articles may garner some additional positive information for you & your father. Here is another organization that may be able to link you with a support system closer to your geographical area. https://www.fowusa.org/
Thank you again for joining us. Please know I am keeping you both in my prayers, that as your father's body heals, so shall his spirit.