Patient Despondent

[studephan]

Hello all
Don't know if this is allowed, but I am the spouse of an Ostomy patient, who is unwilling, unable, or not interested in engaging with her life as an ostomate.
She is despondent and wanting only to be cared for and taken care of - completely.
This was not the case prior to her surgery - which had to be performed as an emergency.
Has anyone encountered a similar situation?

[Mysticobra]

Hello.
I was the same way.
Didn't want anything to do with it.
I couldn't even look at it.
It took me a full month plus to come to terms with the situation
When I did it was freeing. I knew I couldn't have my wife
changing me the rest of my life. It just took me time to accept it.
How long has she had it?
Richard.

[studephan]

About four/five months now.

[Mysticobra]

Wow.
Ok.
That's quite awhile.
I really don't know what to say.
I was 60 when I got mine and came to terms with
it.
Can't say what to do without this getting too personal in a public forum.
If.... there is anything that can be done
You are where I didn't want my wife to be
In a place taking care of me when I know I could do it myself and not put the burden on her.
She has her own issues. She doesn't need mine.
I wish there was something I could say to help.
Richard.

[Mara]

Sorry but no ideas from my personal situation as I had mine decades ago at about 16 years old....but what about contacting her doctor and asking for input.....sounds like depression...maybe some meds....best wishes!!

[To Dream a Dream]

Welcome to our Discussion Board. Having had an emergency ostomy surgery in !977, I can empathize with your spouse. Adjusting to such a sudden life-altering event can have physical & emotional effects. The body needs time to heal from the original condition which necessitated an ostomy. (In my case, severe Crohn's disease.) While you are learning how to manage a totally new way of functioning. Knowing you are not alone is key to a successful rehab process. At least, it was for me.
As Mara has suggested, keeping in close contact with her medical support team is very important because many post-op problems can cause symptoms that a doctor or ostomy nurse would recognize. Dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, anemia all affect not just our lab tests, but general physical & emotional well-being.
Have you visited our UOAA website? https://www.ostomy.org/
It contains a wealth of information. And many stories of people who have successfully regained their vitality that your spouse may find encouraging.
Please continue to visit our Discussion Board and thank you for your post.

[ot dave]

I'm not a doctor, so I don't make diagnoses, but the symptoms sound a lot like depression. I would say that most ostoamates experience this at one point or another. She may need time, she may need meds, she may need counseling, she may need all 3. I would get a referral to see a psychologist and move forward from there. Depression is just a part of the recovery process and some folks need more help than others. Hope that helps.

David

[NEskier]

How awful for you both. I'm on the 'depression' get to a doctor, counselor or whatever. I felt that way for just a bit at the beginning 39 years ago. I had Xanax for sleeping and asked my mother not to leave a full bottle with me. That wouldn't usually be my style. Maybe I was just afraid enough to be pro-active to avoid letting rising depression take over.

It's a physical and psychological assault on the body. Easy to hate it seeing oneself as no longer 'normal'. Eventually I figured it was a new normal. Took time. For many it is the stigma, others feeling unattractive and any number of perceived issues. I pray you can get her the help you BOTH need.

[Diane C]

Hi,
So sorry to hear this. Are you aware of a support group that may be in your area? You can find one here: https://www.ostomy.org/support-group-finder/ Sometimes these groups meet in person or virtually. Many support groups have a Visitors' Program which will match up a new ostomate with an experienced one who can provide support, information, and even humor. I'd recommend you get in touch with an ostomy support group ASAP.

Also, would she read about ostomies? The Phoenix Magazine is an outstanding resource with inspiring stories about ostomates and so much information. You can subscribe or if you become a UOAA member, I think an initial subscription may be included with your membership. See . https://www.ostomy.org/wp-content/uploa ... scount.pdf

Wishing you much luck!

Diane C.